I'm searching for something...

I'm searching for something... // -->

Monday, May 31

I'm tired. Dead. Sleepy.

God.. let me pull through this.

I'm weak but you're strong God.

=X

Heli Dont ask me why 11:27 PM

Sunday, May 30

16 days.

I can do it.

I wun quit.

This is my promise.

Heli Dont ask me why 11:14 PM

Time now is.. 12.58AM

Actually wanted to type a real long entry today. Or maybe tomorrow. There are really many many things i would want to say out here. Sometimes i just wished that there's just some kind of device or something which would record what i think all the while. I think faster then i remember.

I don't seem to be able to communicate well lately. Can be lost out of nowhere in a conversation. Or i might just stare blankly at you or simply lose myself. I couldn't help but think. I know it's pointless just to go on and think and think and farking just think. Hell.. i'm getting tired of myself. I'm losing patience.

Okay let's start. Yesterday went out with ber ame leen to town. went to coffee bean and chit chat awhile then went to take neos again. Can't stand ame.. been taking neos ever since term 2 starts.. lols. She's so expert in it and it's as though there's not a single machine she never tried before. But i'm broke. *hint hint*

Parted from them about 5 at heeren. Headed to beach road alone to get some stuffs for my course. Yeah it's on monday. Had been reminding myself it's just going to be 16 days. Soon it would be over. Soon gerl. Then i went to suntec the rocks. Enjoyed the session lots. But too bad was very tired, didn't dare to sleep actually cos i scared later dozed off till the end. Then will be very embarassing. But after that, intend to take cab home, even that itself was tiring. Too many people waiting at the taxi stand. No cab here, no cab there.. end up i walked to around bugis there to take one home. Bah i'm so freaking tired yesterday.

=/

Frankly, i'm ain in the mood to type all these out now. Don't seem to be penning down what i really want to say here. I'm just another writer, still trapped within my truths How true can this get? Maybe i'm just afraid of pouring things out here. But then again, what's this to me? Why am i penning all these down?

I just simply allow my thoughts wander. And i just let it.. you know link to another, and another and another till it probably didn't stop. It's hard to stop it if you understand. I prefer to be alone, yet at times, i just wish i'm not. Then again, solitude, who doesn't need it?

Perhaps i just prefer to remain unknown. As i walked down the streets, every step i took, i just wished i won't meet into someone i know. Or rather someone who knows me. I don't like the idea of being caught alone, no i'm not. And then i went to the familiar places. Places that i left behind much. You know sometimes i feel that, i have a weak mind. A mind which just allows just anything to flow into it.

I don't think i'm a good person to hang around with. For i'm just a person, filled with thoughts more than a normal person should, i would think more than i talk to you, and more than often, i would leave smile across my face and end with just a fullstop there. I ain a good entertainer, i'm no good in talking and really go high with you. For that's why, i had stopped expecting much. Maybe it's just good enough to be JUST a friend.

I dreamt of you few days ago. Was it because you heard my cryings? In my dreams you came forward to me without waking me up. And i had to stretch out to you and ask you not to leave me. You seem so alive, so true, so close to me then. We both cried, we both misses each other. But yet in the end, i just awoke and came back to reality. If only i'm in my dream, if only you stayed..

Kill my heart tonight.

Signed off. 2.20AM

Heli Dont ask me why 1:01 AM

Friday, May 28

Thanks beautiful mak for the comment. Just what i needed at this point of time. Btw didn't really pen down my wishes for you here eh? Lots to say though but brain ain functioning well. But a quick one would be.. may you kuai gao zhang da eh? =P

And woo HOO~ i finally went to nc today! Been like nearly 2 months? Great. Especially the singing part. Oh man i'm going to find those songs.. Though very sleepy during the talkings, and then my eyes were very dry so can't see clearly, and it's so freaking cold.. how i wish the lady beside me could lend me her jacket.. BUT i'm glad i went.

I had only three words to end today's entry.

God Is Good. =]

Heli Dont ask me why 11:49 PM

Thursday, May 27

It's been quite a while since i opened up my heart to someone like today. Just a one to one session. Just a let-myself-out talk. It probably did me some good. Though i can't really remember what she said, but i guess it's all about letting those words out.

First step. Everyone's telling me to take the first step. But.. how?

And tomorrow marks the last day of school for this term. So fast. So unbelievable that i had actually come this far. I still don't feel the bond between me and ny, maybe only on that volleyball day itself. Can't believe yesterday was sports day. There were cheers going on.. but.. yeah they weren't as loud as xms peeps.

Course coming up. I will survive the 16 days. It's only 16 days.. it's going to be fast. I will be alright.

If i can, i wish i can just speak my mind freely. Yes, that's what i want.

Heli Dont ask me why 10:59 PM

Monday, May 24

Plus signs needed

A heavy heart i have here, a wandering soul that feels as cold as the wind outside.

I don't know what has gotten over me lately, i just can't feel happy.. no matter how much time i allow myself to relax, no matter how hard i try to feel happy, it's all in vain. I can't.

I tried to sleep just now, and i can't too. Right. Insonmia is starting to haunt me. Great.

I have no appetite lately, really don't feel like eating anything. No i'm not trying to be on diet.. just can't eat anything..

I just went for my briefing for CIBTC course in june. Sighs.. just the briefing itself make me really lose interest in the whole course. It's not possible to tell yourself, "Oh.. it's a course where you can make more friends" or.. "Oh.. you will enjoy yourself.." Yah i will get to enjoy all these but ACCOMPANIED with some other exercises too and saliva shootings too eh? Bah. Crap.

I don't look forward to june hols at all for it's not a holiday for me. What's new..

Damn my this entry sounds so much of complaining.. fark it who cares. I'm really feeling not good now what.

*stare blankly at com*

You know what, i nearly teared in school today. Stress, the stress factors. And then these few days, all the more i feel like opening up to my dad, and tell him what's all in my mind, what's happening to her daughter. I had been repeating this question to myself lately, "am i strong am i strong am i strong?" but i believe knowing the answer isn't the solution. I have to work out the answer myself. And i want to be. And also i realise, i'm positive about life only after convincing someone to look brighter at it. then i would feel that... yeah life is good. Weird weird. Weirdo.

Dad, don't close the door when i needed you. Don't retreat when i find it hard to express things to you. Don't ever make me have a thought that you are going to leave me.. cos thoughts like this are daunting for me. Dad, all i'm left with is a broken heart that's pieced on the outside, but empty in it. Filled me with love, filled it strong so it will not be that weak okay?

I concluded. Much as i hate to admit, i seriously believe, i should find a counsellor. A qualified counsellor. Is that a good news?

Heli Dont ask me why 10:22 PM

Saturday, May 22

Act ua lly ibad lywan ttol ety ou kn owh o w if e elbut ij ust can tan dik nowi shou ldnt for iama lsoa frai dtol osem orew hen iha dalr ea dylo seeno ughbu tthef actis ihadno righ tov era llthe seand ihad nori ghtt oma keyo uch oose mean dall ican dois tos ee youw alkf urth eraw ayf rom mew ith herw hile ist ayun der the rain wai tin gfo ran othe rper sont oshe lterm ebut deep inmei ju stw isht hepe rso nwou ldbe youu ltima tely.

Heli Dont ask me why 8:40 AM

Friday, May 21

Romance and all its strategy leaves me battling with my pride
But through the insecurity some tenderness survives
I'm just another writer, still trapped within my truths
A hesitant prize fighter still trapped within my youth

Heli Dont ask me why 12:48 AM

Wednesday, May 19

Tell myself,

"Everything's going to be alright."

..be alright..

alright.

Heli Dont ask me why 11:56 PM

Tell myself,

"Everything's going to be alright."

..be alright..

alright.

Heli Dont ask me why 11:56 PM

Monday, May 17

Hold on Hold ON HOLD ON

ahh don't make me breathless!!

Heli Dont ask me why 11:35 PM

Sunday, May 16

Just some thoughts last week..

Lately, when i just close my eyes, i realised how tired i'm. I can feel the strain, and the tears forming. not tears of sadnes, but tears of tiredness. but when i open them, i can see things clearer and better.
Think i'm too tired.
When i close them, it seems as though i shut myself from the world. I see pitch darkness, but i experience a let go.

and...

sometimes.. it just makes me feel bad and guilty leaving him alone. and at such times, i'd wonder how is he feeling and what is he thinking. i dare not approach him for somehow, there's just this wall between us. I'm not scare of him but neither do i find him approachable.. it just seems so weird that the relationship between us had fallen till such plight. Sighs i don't know how to say and i don't know what to do about it.

and...

I think i'm someone who loves to laugh easily and laugh a lot. i'm someone who probably would be very happy and optimistic about things just that i had lead a life full of twist and turns that make me come true to find reality in this world. i'm moulded to be someone who thinks more than normal do, and that had drowned the inner and initial true self of mine.. and that causes me to not be like whom i'm suppose to be i guess..
again..i think too much ba...

Wrote all these down on the notepad i had on my table when i just feel the need to write. Actually still got a few others but haha..i'm shy to type it out here la. Anyway, just had a long chat with meiyi and i realised i miss 4e3 gerls really alot.. can't wait to find one fine day when we can go meiyi's house watch movie or something then we talk talk.. really miss a lot of the past when we sat down and have meals together.. yupx those days.. haha..

Oh and i recalled that last time everywhere i go, i would definitely have a notebook and pen with me. Then i was flipping through the notebookes i had, i realised in the past i actually really had many things to do.. Haha.. filled with house matters, prefects thingy, class chalets and etc. haha.. now i understand..

So.. A fresh new week ahead. Last week was terrible. A more stressful week then usual, so.. hope this coming up one wouldn't be that cham la. I need a break. And i want to watch troy!! Can someone just bring me out? =X

Heli Dont ask me why 11:23 PM

Friday, May 14

=/

don't mean to write the previous entry to be so harsh.. but.. you just broke my heart. =X

Heli Dont ask me why 12:17 AM

Thursday, May 13

You just farking search my things in my presence. Who the hell do you treat me as? Do you understand what's the meaning of privacy and trust? What the fark..

I'm too tired to retaliate and even though i understand why you are doing all these, i'm farking pissed and not going to accept it. I'm damn disappointed and very sick and tired of all these. You got suspicions you talked to me face to face and not go around touching my things which in fact YOU KNOW I DON'T LIKE IT.

How do you expect me to give you trust when in the first place this is the way you "trust" me...

You're just making me hate you and hate you even more.

Heli Dont ask me why 10:57 PM

Tuesday, May 11

Big Big World

I'm a big big girl
in a big big world
It's not a big big thing if you leave me
but I do do feel that
I do do will miss you much
miss you much...

I'm drained out. No.. rather i don't have much memory space left. I'm just reading and writing but nothing gets in. Yes nothing gets in. So it isn't that i didn't want to study, but it just doesn't.. enter. Duhx. So since it's so inefficient.. I'm going to stop.

but I do do feel that
I do do will miss you much
miss you much...

And today's napfa test.. think one of the worst grades i ever get all these while. Damn.. DAmn.. think there goes my gold just because of the standing board jump. Arhh.. why can't i just jump far enough...

Time flies eh.. it's already may. I had left xms for 5 mths le.. I had been in ny for 5 mths le.. hah.. this is so unbelievable. In the blink of an eye, i may just be sitting for my end of year promos.. just look back, had worked hard for o's, had played hard for the first 3 mths, and now i'm working again.. yah crazy viscious cycle. Neverending.

I miss you 4e3'03.

I miss you fey.

And yes my blog had changed it's nature again eh? No more deep thoughts.. all about my life etc.. all this rubbish. duhx. bleahz.

Thur Fri Sat. See how i die ba.

I'm a big big girl in a big big world.

Heli Dont ask me why 12:57 AM

Sunday, May 9

".. all the roles i played in, never happy ending.."

Har.. i have much to say today but i'm lazy to type it all out here. But life today is.. suckish. =X

Have a great week ahead peeps. =]

Heli Dont ask me why 11:14 PM

Friday, May 7

Tiring week

Haha.. think every week every day seems to be tiring. Hmm just had my GP spring test today, somehow i just know i'm going to flunk it again. Hadn't been doing well for all my subjects ever since school started. At least when in secondary school, got a few subjects you are strong at, but now.. Haha.. think everything is a gone case for me.

Actually after i finished my paper today, somehow felt that bit of lost in me. Not really thinking too much, but maybe i'm too cautious with my results, i'm really fearful about retaining. Trying my best to complete work on time and also try start to revise... cos june hols no time. =X

Ha.. Finally weekend is here. Yeah and i'm going out tmr! Saturday is NY College cum Homecuming cum Speech day. Haha.. interested peeps can pop over. Look out for the store doing balloons those can twist here and there de. Haha.. cos i'll be there making the balloons. Haha.. qing duo duo zhi chi! =)

Heli Dont ask me why 1:19 AM

Monday, May 3

If there was ever a song that could so clearly express what I feel every single day,
then this would be the one...

I Believe
By Diamond Rio,

Every now and then
Soft as breath upon my skin
I feel you come back again
And it's like you haven't been

Gone a moment from my side
Like the tears were never cried
Like the hands of time
Are holding you... and me

And with all my heart I'm sure
We're closer than we ever were
I don't have to hear or see,
I've got all the proof I need

There are more than angels watching... over me
I believe... Oh, I believe

That when you die your life goes on
It doesn't end here when you're gone
Every soul is filled with light
It never ends ..and if I'm right
Our love can even reach.. across.. eternity..!
I believe... Ooh, I believe

Forever, you're a part of me
Forever, in the heart of me
I will hold you even longer, if I can...!

Oh, the people who don't see the most
See that I believe in ghosts

If that makes me crazy,
Then I am... 'cause I believe!
Oh, I believe...!

There are more than angels watching.. over me!
I believe
Oh, I believe...

Every now and then
Soft as breath upon my skin
I feel you come back again...
......and I believe.

I had been thinking for a while for what to blog today. I looked at my entries and the comments 1 year back. Some of you had cried over what i wrote, some felt sad, and many of you had extended your comfort to me. And so.. were you thinking it's another of those days again?

I awoke today feeling normal, i looked at her pic and i wished her. School was probably normal today, i didn't think much, i didn't talk about it to anyone. i didn't show out anything... Neither do i really think about it until just now. and until when i read thru my past entries.

Perhaps some of you just don't understand why i still think of her so often even when it's been quite awhile. Seriously, i don't think there will be anyone who really understand the depth of how i feel all these while. I didn't expect anyone to feel it like how i'm feeling it.. Some of you had grown tired of talking about it, i'm tired too and i hadn't really talk about it for quite sometime. But it's dates like this, that makes me inevitably return to those unforgettable memories..

Life goes on. I had gone on with my part of life.. and along i brought the memories of her and me..

Somehow.. =/ i find myself tearing already...

I never manage to do much for her when she's around. I never get to do what i want to do for her...

..and i wonder if one day i am in heaven, would i still get to see her? thoughts like where is she keep coming.. and coming.. a love so complete had left me... would i still get to see her still......

there is no other love like a mother.. love for a child...

"...mummy.. shen ri kuai le..."

Heli Dont ask me why 10:45 PM

Sunday, May 2

*listening to hillsongs*

hai. i miss going to new creation.

just when will my miracle happen..

jus when...

=/

Heli Dont ask me why 11:34 PM

Saturday, May 1

NY ROCKS!~

BUT...

XMS ROCKS FURTHER!! =D

Haha.. today was cool man. Went over to Toa Payoh Stadium to support my school volleyball B division guys in the finals. Frankly, while we were in school today, my classmates and i were still thinking whether to pon or not. But when we reached there, we started cheering like crazy. Had loads of fun cheering with them haha.. Then i started to recall those times when i was with the rest cheering for xms teams at Yio Chu Kang Stadium. Each time i went down to support, i never fail to lose my voice. Haha.. but it's all worth it.

As for today, i really finally got the taste of being a part of the crowd. No longer taking the frontline and leading. The feeling is kind of different, but i guess as long as one is enthusiastic, one would never feel left out. And btw.. i think ny vball guys are really great. And it was also today that i felt that, i'm finally somehow attached to the school.

And the highlight of today was the part when all ex-xms seniors from nyjc and ajc, and the student leaders came in to cheer for xms! Haha.. felt so glad and touched to see all of us united as one to cheer for our former school. Even now as i'm blogging, i can still feel the passion among all of us towards the school and how much we missed them. And i guess we brought the flag of xms flying real high. It's really proud to be a xms student. And i guess when we cheered, those people who turned to look at us with stun look must have thought that we xinmin ppl are really ZAI! Hurrah for xms seniors! Woo hoo!!~

... school with the fantastic team of teachers
... school with the highest spirit
... school with the craziest students
... school with overwhelming love

wth... there's just too much...

XINMIN I JUST LOVE YOU FAR TOO MUCH! =DD

I could still remember the times we stood in front and cheered as if there's no tomorrow. The times we sang "born to win" when we clinched the championship... the times we all gathered to shout "jiayou" to the team members.. really wonderful and fond memories...

... they are all kept in my heart. Where's yours? =]

Heli Dont ask me why 12:04 AM

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